


The tragedy of life is not death

by firewasntmadetobeheldinhumanskin



Series: Monsta X sunny summer fic bingo [9]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Gang/Mafia AU, M/M, Monsta X Bingo, Stream of Consciousness, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-07
Updated: 2016-09-07
Packaged: 2018-08-11 21:43:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7908628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firewasntmadetobeheldinhumanskin/pseuds/firewasntmadetobeheldinhumanskin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Changkyun only wanted a friend. That was all he was asking for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The tragedy of life is not death

**Author's Note:**

> I'm kind of sorry for the angst, but at the same time too satisfied with it to apologize? I'm very proud of my ~~hard~~ work, so D: ~mindblow~  
>  That was probably the harder to write, as I didn't know what to do at first and it ended up going for a way completely different from what I thought it would lol
> 
> Hope you enjoy it! \o

**The tragedy of life is not death but what we let die inside of us while we live.**

― Norman Cousins

 

[ _I'm sorry. If you're reading this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for staying and I'm sorry for leaving. I'm so fucking sorry ― I didn't want to hurt you, I never wanted to hurt you. But I know I did, I know I did more than once and I can't apologize enough for it._ ]

*

Changkyun always knew he was different from the rest of the world. Not good, not bad, not special ― just different. He knew he shouldn't ask about his father's job ( _it's none of your business, kid_ ), he knew his mother got angry when he was too loud ( _stop crying, Changkyun, you're not a baby anymore!_ ) and he knew his future was decided in the moment he was born ( _we have great, great plans for you, son ― don't mess it up_ ).

Changkyun never though about it, he never really cared ― until the day his parents decided to stop his homeschooling and to put him to face the world all by himself ( _we're not gonna make it easier for you, kid; there are things you should learn by yourself_ ). Then, it was when his living hell started.

He wasn't just different anymore. He was something worse, something bad ― **strange.** He was an awkward and shy boy who couldn't talk properly and kept stumbling into his words, and, as his classmates soon discovered, he turned out to be a good target at any sports and games he tried to play.

It wasn't good, but it wasn't bad either. None of them was cruel to him, none of them really wanted to hurt him or to make him sad by calling him a stranger. They were just children trying to adapt themselves to a new kid, trying to welcome him ― on their own way ― to the group. Changkyun was happy. He was happy and he wanted to share it with his parents.

( _what are you talking about? of course you can't bring them home! who do you think we are, kid?_ )

Things started to change when he grew up.

( _what's that on your face? it's horrible!_ )

( _his hair's strange, don't you think? I mean,_ **_he_ ** _is strange, but you got what I mean_ )

( _he's such a freak_ )

Changkyun tried to follow his classmates, tried to change, tried to adapt ― but he couldn't, his efforts weren't enough for him to be able to be a part of the group.

He was left alone again.

*

[ _I don't know why I'm writing this; I don't want you to read it. I'm just so tired of all of this bullshit. I just wanted to be with you, and I'm so sorry I fucked it up. I never thought it'd end up like this ― I never thought I'd end up hurting you, I never thought I'd end up making the world come crashing down on our heads like it did._ ]

*

Changkyun's father gave him a gun when he made fourteen years. It was cold, dark and heavy on his shaky hands, and Changkyun was so scared he almost dropped it ( _it's to give you luck, I want you to carry it from now on ― your lessons on shooting start in a week_ ).

He was the worst, but it's like people tell: practice gives confidence, and confidence changes everything. Changkyun never wanted to learn how to use a gun ( _I don't care what you think! it's to keep you safe ― you'll use it, wanting or not!_ ), he never wanted to make part of whatever it was his family business ( _we're the giants that walk among people, and you're our heir; when the time comes, kid, you'll take over our empire and rule the world_ ), but it was already made, the decision was already taken.

It wasn't his choice.

It wasn't ever going to be.

*

[ _I love you. After everything I did and everything I said, I think you deserve the truth. I love you, Lee Jooheon. I fucking love you to death. I'd do anything to keep you safe ― I'd do anything to keep you alive. I love you, and that's why I had to leave._ ]

*

His mother came with the idea of a bodyguard after the first time Changkyun was almost killed ( _he can't even protect himself yet, for god's sake! he won't be useful if he's dead!_ ), and his father ended up agreeing ( _my name's Shin Hoseok and I'm your personal guard from now on_ ).

Hoseok was a good listener and usually had advices able to save Changkyun's life at least twice a week ― but they weren't friends. They couldn't be.

( _I don't want you talking to him like that ― you're being naive, stupid! he can betray you and then what? nobody's going to save you!_ )

But that didn't mean they weren't close to each other ― close enough for Hoseok to give him some kind of liberty, even when he wasn't supposed to.

( _I need to show you a place ― you'll love it_ )

It was Hoseok who presented him to the underground.

It was Hoseok who gave him life.

( _just don't follow the rappers, kid ― they're trouble_ )

*

[ _I don't want you to search for me. I don't want you to miss me. I want you to forget me ― if you can't, I want you to hate me. There's just a fragile line between love and hate, Jooheon, and I know you can cross it as easily as you can breath. Hate me. Please, hate me. I've never asked you anything, but I'm doing it now. I want you to hate me ― if you ever see me again, I want you to wish killing me. I'd let you, you know. I'd let you kill me and I'd die happy with it._

 _If I'm going to die this way, I want it to be by the hands of someone I love. And that someone would be you._ ]

*

It wasn't until he was twenty-four that things changed again for Changkyun ― and he never felt so happy since he was a child.

( _my name's Lee Jooheon. what's yours?_ )

Hoseok didn't approve it, but not because he thought it was wrong or because he was disgusted by the idea.

( _just ― take care, ok? if someone see you with him, you're going to be in deep shit_ )

Changkyun didn't hear him ― but he should've.

( _what do you mean you're in love with a boy?!_ )

*

[ _Don't come. I'm not going to be waiting for you, but someone else may be. Take care. Stop drinking too much ― give Gun a chance. He was there for you when I wasn't, he helped you when I couldn't. When I ran away, he stayed. I can see you both together, and, the stranger it sounds, I'm happy for you. If you're happy, then I'm happy. That's all it matters for me._ ]

*

( _I didn't raise you to love!_ )

( _and what will you do, uh?! what you'll do when someone comes for him?! what you'll do when he dies because of you?! crying won't bring him back and neither love will give him life again!_ )

( _or you get rid of him alone, or I'll do it myself, Changkyun_ )

( _love isn't for people like us, kid ― stop dreaming, start shooting_ )

Changkyun did as he was told.

*

[ _We can't change things now. We can't change the past. And I'm ok with it._ ]

*

( _what does it mean you can't do this anymore?!_ )

( _stop lying to me! I don't believe you! stop!_ )

( _please, don't go. I love you. don't leave me. please._ )

Changkyun didn't look back ― he couldn't.

If he did, he'd break.

_I love you too._

_I'm sorry._

*

[ _If you're reading this I'm gone._

_P.S.: don't write_ ]

**Author's Note:**

> The last part is from PS: Don't Write, from Pencey Prep. I just couldn't resist using that, as it was a letter and all <3
> 
> Any question/request/desire to talk about anything, you can contact me here, [ tumblr](http://firewasntmadetobeheldinhumanskin.tumblr.com/), [ twitter](https://twitter.com/notmadetobeheld) or [ curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/notmadetobeheld)


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